


Don't you dare.

by a_pocket_full_of_fancy_words



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Fluff, Gen, silly baby talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 19:29:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_pocket_full_of_fancy_words/pseuds/a_pocket_full_of_fancy_words
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk is physically but not mentally deaged to 7 months old; Spock and McCoy compete to be the one to take care of him.</p><p>(Mostly all ages but contains swearing)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't you dare.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt/request on tumblr

_What the fuck?_  Jim thought as he looked down. His body was small and chubby and naked and Bones was  _WIPING HIS GODDAMN ASS._  

"…All cleaned up," Bones was telling him in a voice he hadn’t heard before, hauling him up by the legs to swipe a clean diaper underneath him. Jim kicked, hard and Bones pulled back in shock. "Now don’t you do any o’ that Jim," Bones grumbled, pretending to swat his ass before forcibly wrapping the wings of the diaper around him and taping them up. "See? All better, nice clean baby."

Which should’ve been that, really, but wasn’t. Bones should have put him into some clothes and left him the hell alone, but instead he grabbed Jim’s fat little legs and bounced them up and down. “You have such perfect little leggies, don’t you? Look at all those toes you have.”

Jim felt justified in delivering another kick, but his legs were effectively restrained and Bones broke the line of friendship between them completely by bending down and blowing a raspberry right there on his belly. 

Jim squawked in outrage. What did the bastard think he was doing? “Little fat tummy,” Bones was telling him. “Aww are you a hungry baby?” He asked at what Jim supposed amounted to crying. 

Leonard’s frankly horrific monologue continued as he wrestled Jim into a baby-grow, picked him up and rested him on his hip for the journey to the mess. “It’s okay Jim, just a rumbly tumbly’s all.”

 _A rumbly fucking tumbly?_ McCoy’s willingness to throw his own dignity to the wind would’ve been hilarious had it not dragged Jim’s with it.

Mercifully, Uhura and Chapel were sat at one of the tables, and Jim was left with them whilst Bones went to the replicator. 

"Damn, you weren’t exaggerating when you said he’d got younger, were you?" Uhura looked at him in Christine’s lap, amused. 

"Did you think I was?" Chris was laughing at him Jim made a sound of protest, but she just bounced him up and down some on her knee. "It’s okay Captain, we’ll have you back to normal in a month or two."

 _A month or two? You can’t expect me to put up with Bones being all squishy for A MONTH OR TWO!!_ He yelled, screaming and then sobbing loudly. 

"Oh dear," Uhura said to him. "You think he wants McCoy?"

_No. No. Do not give me back to Bones! You’re meant to be my communications officer don’t you understand? Don’t let him change my goddamn diaper, you’re all fired as soon as I can talk!!_

"Oh, that is an angry cry," Chapel told him. "It’s okay, he’s coming back, see?"

She angled him to face where Bones was returning from the replicator, tray in hand. The fucker looked positively gleeful. 

Bones sat down a chair away from Christine and put Jim on the chair between them.

Apparently he was old enough for what looked to be pureed pumpkin to go with the bottle of milk on the tray. Meanwhile, that giddy southern asshole got pizza and a salad. 

Jim carried on crying, reaching for pizza. Bones, however, had been a parent before. “Jim, if you’re going to misbehave there won’t be any dinner at all, it’ll be milk and then bedtime.” 

Betrayal. Bones had been so besotted just a minute ago. It was 4 pm. Jim howled louder.

"Right that’s it, Jim, I have work to do and I can’t have this kind of misbehaviour," McCoy told him with mock severity. "Bedtime."

"Doctor," Said a smooth voice from behind them. "If you require time to attend to your duties, then I will take over Jim’s care for this evening."

Saved by the Spock. 

Bones glowered at the Vulcan. “Spock, it’s a temper tantrum! Do not undermine me with discipline!”

_Discipline? Bones I’ll show you discipline. When I’m big again I’m gonna fucking castrate you so you can never humiliate another kid like this again._

"Doctor, you have just stated that you do not have the time. I will take care of the Captain."

"Listen, Hobgoblin," Bones growled under his breath. Jim had shut up to watch the show. "I’m his doctor. I get to say who looks after him and when!"

Spock’s voice held a note of irritation. “The Captain is not ill. He is not in need of medical care at this time, therefor as your superior officer, I have determined that your presence is required in sickbay. I will take care of the Captain personally.”

McCoy stood up so abruptly that he nearly knocked Jim from his chair. Spock watched as he stormed from the room, and then sat down in his seat as though nothing had happened, next to Jim and across from a surprised looking Uhura. 

Jim sucked on McCoy’s pizza and drank his milk, smearing pumpkin over the table and himself whilst Spock ate McCoy’s salad in near silence.

Afterwards, he was carried at arm’s length to Spock’s quarters and taken straight to the refresher. For a minute or so he was under the horrifying illusion that Spock might undress him and bathe him in the sink; however after a moment’s deliberation, Spock grabbed him by the scruff of his onesie and held him inside the door of the shower with the sonic turned on, suspended by an uncomfortable wedgie. 

When he was as clean as he was going to get, Spock took him back through to his bedroom and lay him on the bed whilst he replicated clean pajamas. 

It was a redundant exercise in Jim’s view, since it was another baby-grow and his current one was fine, if stained. Nonetheless, Spock insisted on using it, unpoppering his old, slightly too orange one and discarding it. Mercifully there was no diaper change this time.

Jim was beginning to wonder how the hell Vulcan babies picked up language at all, since Spock hadn’t said a word to him, when the Commander poked him in the belly.

"Look," Spock said. He did look, and saw nothing out of the ordinary with the exception of his being 7 months old and Spock’s finger was jabbing into his squishy stomach. "You ate all of Doctor McCoy’s pizza. You are all plumpy and round."

Not Spock too. When he found out who the hell was responsible for this, there was going to be hell to pay.


End file.
